Musings on the Nature of Being an Actor

This is a publicity photo from the original production of Temp/Casual.

Sadly, two of these actors dropped out of the new production. The actor at the back is Marlon Solomon, who's on tour, drumming for his band Bugs in Amber. The guy in the middle is Karl Dobby. As well as looking a bit like former tennis player Boris Becker (sorry Karl), he's done some high profile acting gigs in the past: he toured Germany as a member of the Blue Man group, and played 'Mr Gap Year' in a series of adverts for Kenco Coffee, opposite actor Don Warrington (I'm old enough to remember Rising Damp). Surprisingly, Karl has jacked in acting to pursue a new career as an agent. I really need to ask him why. 

So say hello to the two new members of the cast, Curtis Cole (as Stick) and Joel Parry (as Martin). They both gave brilliant auditions. But casting is about more than being brilliant - it's about chemistry. Will Actor B work well with Actor C? Is Actor X too tall to do a kissing scene with Actress Z? Complicated.

Thinking of auditions, I'm reminded of a play by Brad Fraser called Unidentified Human Remains & The  True Nature of Love. I appeared in a student production, as a gay out-of-work actor who waited tables. But David MacMillan waited tables out of choice because, as much as he loved acting, he hated auditions. I'm in awe of people who can go through that process over and over again, and retain their sanity (and dignity). Acting is probably the noblest of all the arts; the 'business' of being an actor is borderline disgusting. In order to act, one needs to have sensitivity and emotional insight: in order to survive the process of auditioning, one needs to possess the skin of a rhino. That's a contradiction I just can't get my head around.

When I left university, I tried to be an actor but had the same problem as David MacMillan - I hated auditions. Mostly because I was rubbish at them. I remember my first ever audition for a TIE company in Huddersfield. I was nervous and ill at ease but a fellow auditionee took me under his wing and gave me some kind words. The man was called Omar, and he told me that he had just appeared in the Bruce Willis film The Fifth Element; his big scene was inside a spaceship, playing a sort of space-age radio controller (having watched the film recently, I saw that his contribution had been edited down to one line). Omar went on to tell me that he was thinking of giving up acting in favour of another line of work. I asked why. Predictably, he said he was tired of auditions, and fed up of having no control over his career. Two years later, Omar left the world of acting to become a hardcore porn star. Omar? Oh my!

You may want to read that last paragraph again. Take your time .... okay? Ready to continue? Yes, it's a big jump (no pun itended). Now, I guess Omar feels more in control of his career. Some might argue that the porn industry is no less undignified than going to audition for the role of a crap astronaut in a Go Compare advert,  or a co-starring role in a new series for Nick Berry. Apparently he's blessed with a 12 inch penis. Omar, not Nick Berry. I hope he's happy in his work. 

In the late 90's, I continued to go to auditions, with varying degrees of success. In 1997, I was offered a summer season job dressing up as a pirate at Alton Towers. The contract involved telling pirate stories to children for 8 hours a day, 6 days a week. I would have lived in a caravan. Naturally, I said no. After that, I was offered another job for a TIE company in Birmingham, doing 3 shows a day. Three! It sounded too much like hard work. Again, I said no. 

My greatest ever TIE audition was for a company in Coventry. The Artistic Director had learning difficulties, and had set up the company via a government scheme. He'd also taken control of his career by giving himself the lead role in this particular project. I was asked to do a song. Hopelessly unprepared, I chose the theme from The Flintstones. I was brilliant, even if I say so myself. But I didn't get the job. Casting, after all, is about chemistry - even if it's a road-safety drama for 12-14 year olds. That was the last audition I attended. 

TIE is the bread and butter of the acting profession, and in order to survive, actors can't afford to be too choosy. What's my point? In an ideal world, actors would be able to act for their soul rather than their accountant. We don't live in an ideal world. What's the opposite of ideal? Deficient. At the end of the day, I was not only rubbish at auditions, I was too choosy. And lazy.

I'm happier behind the scenes.

Thanks for listening. Call again.